It's getting harder and harder to exercise these days. I wish I could say it's because I'm sore from too much exercising or that I don't need to do it, but alas, it's neither of those things. Partly it's because I can only exercise after bedtime, which is also the time I have to do anything else (clean up, laundry, computer stuff, organizing, painting, talking with my husband without kids hanging on us, bedtime routine with Quinn... to name a few). It's also really hard to focus on designating time for exercise, when I know the kids aren't actually asleep yet, that I'm neglecting my husband who is upstairs while I'm downstairs... And even once I do exercise, which usually ends about 9 p.m., then I have to shower, dry my hair, straighten my hair; it just takes so long and it's after 10 before I can get to my other chores.
I'm in desperate need of some exercise - I mean, just look at me. And apparently, chasing the kids around 18 hours a day, running after bikes and scooters, chasing them around the yard, carting them in and out of stores, which feels like a workout in and of itself, isn't going to cut it. I can't fall back on the "I just had twins" excuse anymore, because they were born 2 1/2 years ago! I know that I need it to try to burn calories and fat, to get my body back, for my mental state, and just to feel like I'm doing something constructive (not that looking at a clean room or organized closet wouldn't give the same effect!) I thought I'd have more time to exercise as the kids got older, but somehow that hasn't been the case - my time maintenance and the breakdown of my time has changed, but I'm still needed even if in different ways. And I think the fact that we moved into this house four weeks before the twins were born, and I couldn't get everything set up, painted, organized, before they were born, has definitely played into that. It still makes me feel hopeless on the exercise front, whatever the reason.
I'm sure a big part of it is a lack of motivation, feeling like I'm starting from scratch and have so far to go and, medically speaking, I might not ever get my body back. Many doctors have told me that I have an abdominal separation; after carrying the twins, my abs are separated along my ribcage from my belly button to my breastbone, and without surgery, they will never be reconnected (which is not going to happen because of the cost). Part of me wishes I could muster the same motivation and determination I've had in the past, when I gave up smoking or drinking or whatever the situation was; but the other part of me knows that in reality, I have a lot of work to do, between dieting and exercise, and it would be a tough road, and I wonder if it would be all for naught.
I do feel great after exercising. After a 45 minute workout, my body hurts so good and I'm sweating, I'm dizzy, I pound glass after glass of water. I think about eating salad and apples, and really want to make a change in my diet and workout more (once I regain my balance and breath). After a shower and the hair drying and straightening, I am ravenous - I end up on a "see-food diet", where I see food and I eat it. I just need to purge the house of junk food. My kids eat so healthily, but I always save that food for them - between the three of them, they will eat 5 pears in a sitting, 2 pounds of strawberries in one fail swoop... I feel like I'd be taking from them something so important if I'd eat it, and often times, a lot of that stuff takes prep time that I just don't always have when I'm starving (so I reach for the bag of chips and a sprite). I tried to throw everything from our candy/snack drawer in the garbage today, but
I need to just stop talking and do it. Exercise more frequently, get my husband on board to help me designate time for it so I don't guilt myself out of it for whatever reason; I need to not eat so much crap, be free and clean. Not sure how to get started, but I think eventually I'll get to a breaking point - like other times in the past, I will pick a date in my mind, and not tell anyone in case I fail. But I won't fail, I never do (that's the determination speaking, not sure if I believe it; it's hard setting oneself up for failure).... If only I could suck it up and just pick a date! Tonight, I'll ponder it over a beer and bag of Doritos though (fail #1)...
