It's amazing how strikingly innocent my three beautiful children are. I mean, yeah, everyone knows that children are innocent but oh my God, I see these three little faces everyday and it just gets me sometimes, how truly innocent they are. How simply happy they can be - how two rocks can amuse them for quite some time, how running in circles is fun and funny. Kelsey is always running around in her 'rainbows and unicorns' world, with her tongue hanging way out of her smiling mouth as she toddles around; Sierra will come running to me from across the room - full speed, a huge open mouth smile, her bright blue eyes gleaming, and crash into a huge hug around me, her little hands clasped behind my neck; and Quinn, on my little boy, is so full of life and energy, and even in times when he's running laps around the yard, he just has this toothy grin and sweet little voice that melts my heart! It's all just so amazing and I cannot imagine my life without them, they truly complete me. And, really makes me stop and smell the roses, so to speak, and try to enjoy the sweet, uncomplicated moments I get with them.
I want to help them stay innocent for as long as possible - I'd say for "forever", but I know that can't be possible. I love seeing them be children and explore the world around them, and I want to show them as much of that world as I can. I have concerns that since I'm caring for all three of them (and, the girls especially, require so much attention), that they're missing out on important adventures and learning experiences, while I spin my wheels and just try to get through each day with everyone clothed, changed, fed, and smiling at the end of the day. I make a point of getting them out of the house everyday, whether to the playground, various playdates, museums, a working farm nearby... I just don't want them to miss out on anything the world and our life has to offer!
But I know that innocent can only last so long, and Quinn is 4 years old now, and testing boundaries, and, well, not listening to anything I say. He won't stay with me in crowded (or even empty!) stores, won't hold my hand when crossing the street or a parking lot; won't listen when I ask him to stop running away, won't wash his hands after peeing just because I asked him to and he thinks there's a choice. I'm well aware of choosing my battles, and when it comes to his choice of clothes to wear for the day, I don't dispute, but when it comes to safety, there's no picking... I know this is all normal 4-year old behavior, but it's quite difficult to deal with while watching the twins and trying to maintain control and stay calm.
This morning we went to church, as we do most Sunday's. It's the church we started going to in Watertown when I was pregnant with Quinn, and even after moving 35 minutes away, we continue to drive there every Sunday instead of attending the church her in Sudbury. We've made so many great friends there, and really enjoy the feel of the church, the community, everything about it (as far as church goes). After mass today, we were walking down the aisle to the back of the church to say goodbye to a family that is moving to New Hampshire tomorrow, a mother and father with four kids who we have known since Quinn was born, whose kids we've played with several times and I've had many conversations with the mother. Anyway, we go down the side aisle and Quinn, determined not to go the same way as us, goes down the middle aisle, weaving up and down pews along the way. No big deal, Doug's watching him, I'm watching him, as we say goodbye to our friends. After the hugs and goodbyes, our backs turned for 2 seconds, Quinn isn't there anymore. We assume he's just waiting by the door - but no Quinn there. He's not up the aisles, he doesn't seem to be laying in one of the random pews, Doug takes the elevator down but he's not around there, and I take the stairs and he's not there. Also doesn't seem to be outside in the grassy lawn or near our van. I'm carrying Sierra and sweet little throaty voice that she has, she's repeating my calls of "Quinn?" I'm starting to freak out, I can't breath. I think of the last moment I was with him in the pew at the end of the service, and he was upset because when I said it was time to put the pen (he was using to write on the bulletin) away until later so we can leave, he wasn't listening to me and is just reacting. I thought that surely someone wouldn't kidnap him from our church; I mean, seriously? It's a church, we know half the congregation, everyone knows who he is, but where is he? I'm downstairs in the common area, nearly in tears, barely breathing, when Father Marty comes downstairs and says that "someone found him". Now, I'm actually in tears as the relief flows through me; Sierra starts rubbing my back because she knows I'm upset though she probably doesn't understand why (although, she is very intuitive for a 1 year old).
I want to help them stay innocent for as long as possible - I'd say for "forever", but I know that can't be possible. I love seeing them be children and explore the world around them, and I want to show them as much of that world as I can. I have concerns that since I'm caring for all three of them (and, the girls especially, require so much attention), that they're missing out on important adventures and learning experiences, while I spin my wheels and just try to get through each day with everyone clothed, changed, fed, and smiling at the end of the day. I make a point of getting them out of the house everyday, whether to the playground, various playdates, museums, a working farm nearby... I just don't want them to miss out on anything the world and our life has to offer!
But I know that innocent can only last so long, and Quinn is 4 years old now, and testing boundaries, and, well, not listening to anything I say. He won't stay with me in crowded (or even empty!) stores, won't hold my hand when crossing the street or a parking lot; won't listen when I ask him to stop running away, won't wash his hands after peeing just because I asked him to and he thinks there's a choice. I'm well aware of choosing my battles, and when it comes to his choice of clothes to wear for the day, I don't dispute, but when it comes to safety, there's no picking... I know this is all normal 4-year old behavior, but it's quite difficult to deal with while watching the twins and trying to maintain control and stay calm.
This morning we went to church, as we do most Sunday's. It's the church we started going to in Watertown when I was pregnant with Quinn, and even after moving 35 minutes away, we continue to drive there every Sunday instead of attending the church her in Sudbury. We've made so many great friends there, and really enjoy the feel of the church, the community, everything about it (as far as church goes). After mass today, we were walking down the aisle to the back of the church to say goodbye to a family that is moving to New Hampshire tomorrow, a mother and father with four kids who we have known since Quinn was born, whose kids we've played with several times and I've had many conversations with the mother. Anyway, we go down the side aisle and Quinn, determined not to go the same way as us, goes down the middle aisle, weaving up and down pews along the way. No big deal, Doug's watching him, I'm watching him, as we say goodbye to our friends. After the hugs and goodbyes, our backs turned for 2 seconds, Quinn isn't there anymore. We assume he's just waiting by the door - but no Quinn there. He's not up the aisles, he doesn't seem to be laying in one of the random pews, Doug takes the elevator down but he's not around there, and I take the stairs and he's not there. Also doesn't seem to be outside in the grassy lawn or near our van. I'm carrying Sierra and sweet little throaty voice that she has, she's repeating my calls of "Quinn?" I'm starting to freak out, I can't breath. I think of the last moment I was with him in the pew at the end of the service, and he was upset because when I said it was time to put the pen (he was using to write on the bulletin) away until later so we can leave, he wasn't listening to me and is just reacting. I thought that surely someone wouldn't kidnap him from our church; I mean, seriously? It's a church, we know half the congregation, everyone knows who he is, but where is he? I'm downstairs in the common area, nearly in tears, barely breathing, when Father Marty comes downstairs and says that "someone found him". Now, I'm actually in tears as the relief flows through me; Sierra starts rubbing my back because she knows I'm upset though she probably doesn't understand why (although, she is very intuitive for a 1 year old).
I go up the elevator and there is Quinn, also in tears, hugging his Daddy's leg, Kelsey looking on (tongue hanging out, of course). He runs to me and I drop to my knees to hold him, so happy that he's okay and not kidnapped and not hit by a car. I hold his hand to get him out to our van. I place Sierra into the van, and she crawls up to get into her seat and play with the buckle, while I talk to Quinn - I hold him and tell him that he is never to leave a building without me again, that he could have been hit by a car or that someone might have tried to take him away from us because he's such a nice boy. I'm so scared that one of my babies will be kidnapped, especially with my focus being so scattered while trying to watch over three kids with only two eyes, two arms. I want him to understand the dangers so that he'll stay close to me, but I don't want to scare him so badly, but he has to understand that I'm not just talking to hear my own voice. I want to protect him from the horrible things that happen in the world, but I need to tell him enough so that he yields my warnings.
It's a delicate line we walk as mothers, as parents, trying to nurture our children while helping them to acclimate into the world around them. I feel like if they were good listeners, and could get through that age 3-4-5 phase, they could be innocent for longer, but I guess it's also important that they not be too naive for so long. I just want my children to be happy and healthy and truly enjoy their childhoods - I just hope that I can protect them from the bad things and help them enjoy the good. And I just want them to know how much I truly love them.
That is so scary! Was he crying because he thought you guys were leaving and when he got outside, couldn't find you? Or was he crying because he was in trouble? I'm guessing he just really scared himself and was relieved to have found you again. I know he's four, but man, four is a scary world sometimes (especially in the world we live in now), no matter how great it is the rest of the time.
ReplyDeleteHave you looked into RAD Kids for him? It could at least scratch the surface and teach him what to do if someone did try to take him away or if he finds himself separated from you again. I think they have it for different age levels. The girls would learn in the process, too.
I'm so glad you're all okay...you had my heart pounding there for a minute. xoxoxo