Delusions, Part 1

    I don't know why I thought this would work - I had the thought that I could get some things done online while the babysitter/mothers helper was here, as long as I was in the same room with the girls...  What was I thinking?
    We've had a helper coming two days a week for a couple months now.  She is 11 years old and lives a few houses down the street, and the idea is that she can watch and play with the three little munchkins while I get some things done around the house.  But, so far, the girls will not stay with her...  She is able to keep Quinn occupied for the hour and a half that she's here, so at least that's one less child that I'm neglecting while I try to cook or clean or do anything else.  But, boy, would it be helpful if these two little girls would stay with her, even for a little while. 
     The second time she came, she was downstairs with all three kids, playing in the playroom.  I put the gate up at the steps and went upstairs, feeling this weight lifted from my shoulders, suddenly better able to breath and not feel so suffocated.  About 45 seconds later, both girls started freaking out at the bottom of the steps, hanging on the gate in hysterics; it was like little rats stuck in the belly of a sinking ship, desperate to get out (they're not little rats, they're so sweet, but still, they acted as if they were never going to see me again, like I'd left them in a torture chamber).  So, since I wasn't about to let an 11 year old deal with that stress that instantly makes ones blood boil, I gave in and brought them upstairs.  Didn't get a damn thing done that day... and it's been that way ever since.
      I had such high hopes for my 3 hours of productivity each week - I was going to paint various rooms of the house, clean the entire house once a week, maybe take a shower that didn't get cut short because of being needed elsewhere.  She's only 11, so I wouldn't ever leave the house, but there are so many projects I've been meaning to do since we moved here (August 2010), and my "To do" list is never ending; I just really thought I could feel like I'd made some progress. 
      But no, that hasn't happened yet.  The stranger anxiety should have passed by now (they know her from seeing her every week), the separation anxiety and clinginess is generally supposed to pass by 18 months (they're 19 months), but still no such luck. 
      Today, I really thought I could get this blog written in the hour and a half, but now I'm not even writing the one I had intended because I know my time is short.  As I write this, I am sitting cross-legged on the guest bed in the far side of the playroom (in our finished basement).  My laptop is on my lap, and all three kids and the helper are sitting on the same bed as I am, bouncing up and down, rolling around (well, the helpers not rolling, just the kids), Kelsey just climbed over my lap, and Sierra keeps taking my wireless mouse, and Quinn's trying to show me the boo boo he got three months ago when he stepped on a train (there's no mark anymore, no scar, he just likes showing me; I'm sure he just wants my attention)...  I feel so bad not playing with them when they clearly want my attention, and I'm just typing away, but they are supposed to be playing with Hannah, right?  I shouldn't have guilt over this, should I?
      I mean, really, I should have known I couldn't get a moments peace or get anything accomplished.  But I guess, I remain hopeful - but that's a good thing, right?  Hope...  I just have to keep trying, because I never know when it might finally work!